So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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