oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
