Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
