Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
