You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
