Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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