So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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