my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
