dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
