I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
