I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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