Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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