Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Actions speak louder than pants.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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