Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize