Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I looked at my own cervix.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
