I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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