so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
