smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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