even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
