marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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