when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
