my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You ruined the universe
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
