im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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