I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
