How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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