Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize