If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
