One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
