do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
