3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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