I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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