im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I want a musical about memes.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
