Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
