bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
