Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
