I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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