shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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