i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Send help, water and tortillas.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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