I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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