I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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