Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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