my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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