The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
