I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
