U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
