your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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