It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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