Me too!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
