I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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