I just gift wrapped bread.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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