dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
