the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
