My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
