We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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