Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
