Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
