her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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