her facebook's as public as her vagina
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
