I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
